


we are matter and it matters

by wizardcleric



Category: Critical Role (Web Series)
Genre: 5+1 Things, Fluff, For all my shady wizard enthusiasts out there..... I see you, Friends to Lovers, It gets very tender and soft near the end, Mild Hurt/Comfort, Other, Reader-Insert, There are feelings! A lot of them, overworked Essek is overworked, reader is a wizard too, this is very gender-neutral, wizards in love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-13
Updated: 2020-12-13
Packaged: 2021-03-11 02:06:54
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,205
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28047396
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/wizardcleric/pseuds/wizardcleric
Summary: “Well, I am certain I can arrange something, I’d be more than willing to help a fellow friend of the arcane to deepen their knowledge.” His hand emerged from his deeply colored cloak as he gestured. “Would you like for me to come to your home here, or would you be fine to visit my estate?”Behind you, a crash was heard, the distinct yelling of the Nein sounding in tandem. You looked at Essek wordlessly.or5 times you got Essek Thelyss to teach you and the one time you taught him instead
Relationships: Essek Thelyss/Reader
Comments: 6
Kudos: 45





	we are matter and it matters

**Author's Note:**

> I have 2 finals in the next week so naturally, I decided to write 8k words of wizard appreciation when Papa Mercer threw Essek crumbs at us.  
> This is 100% self-indulgent and most definitely doesn't line up with the actual show, but I thought I'd share this due to the upsetting lack of reader inserts for Essek.  
> My writing style is all over the place because I usually don't write at all. Nontheless, I think y'all might find some enjoyment in this!
> 
> Inspo (and title lyrics) from the song Zephyrus by The Oh Hellos

“Essek, I’ve been meaning to ask you something.”

It was a rumbunctious night, as always with the Nein, in the Xhorhaus. Essek had come over for dinner, resulting in both tense and pleasant conversation and a certain budding warmth in the Mighty Nein’s relationship to the Shadowhand. You had offered to see him off, with the hidden intention of catching him in relative privacy.

“Yes of course, what can I assist you with.” Essek’s voice sounded, his usual diplomatic tone dropped only slightly, though he was floating again. He watched you fidget nervously, open your mouth and closing it again multiple times in an effort to find the courage or perhaps the right words to voice your request.

“If you had the time, theoretically speaking, would you, uh…” You had to take a deep breath as Essek eyed you with mild curiosity. The presence of the guards he had brought as an escort did not help your nerves at all. “I was wondering if you’d be willing to teach me a few things about spellcasting. Only if you’re free though! I wouldn’t want to impose, I’m sure you have all sorts of things to do...”

You interrupted your rambling as you saw Essek’s expression shift to one of amusement, at least that’s what you thought it might look like. His white brow was quirked ever so slightly and there was a glint in his eyes that gave you the sneaking suspicion that he was indeed amused by your suffering. Lovely. If only your heart wasn’t beating so fast, you could maybe have formed a smart response to his amusement.

“Well, I am certain I can arrange something, I’d be more than willing to help a fellow friend of the arcane to deepen their knowledge.” His hand emerged from his deeply colored cloak as he gestured. “Would you like for me to come to your home here, or would you be fine to visit my estate?”

Behind you, a crash was heard, the distinct yelling of the Nein sounding in tandem. You looked at Essek wordlessly.

“My place then, understood. Would you be okay to see me around 2pm tomorrow, I should be able to spare some time for you then?” He looked at you for a moment before averting his eyes ever so slightly.

“Really? You don’t have to. As the Shadowhand, you’re surely busy.” Were you trying to back out of this now because you were dying of nerves for tomorrow already? Maybe.

“Oh, don’t misunderstand, I most certainly am, but even a man of my position needs to have his private life somewhat intact, I feel.” His response strikes you as odd, Essek seemed almost too ready to teach you. If your mind didn’t fool you, you might even think that he was flustered, or maybe you were just interpreting too much into the slight awkwardness that had entered the conversation. Or maybe you just wanted to feel better about yourself. Who knows?

“Great. Uh, that’s great.” Cool, now you were overthinking this.

“Indeed.” Essek let out a small cough. “I shall give you my address. Please be punctual.” You promise and he does indeed give you his address.

He takes a few steps back and as you wave, he makes his way down the street, his guards following him.

Yeah, okay. Cool.

This is fine.

_1._

You were running late already.

It wasn’t like it was _your_ fault. When the Nein had caught wind that you were going to Essek’s home of all places, the more shameless and curious of the group did not hesitate to barrage you with all sorts of questions, mostly about the nature of your visit. You could be saved only by the grace of Caduceus offering tea and Jester finding inspiration for what would probably end up becoming quite the artwork.

Point is, you were late.

Not by a lot, no, but just enough to make your stomach crawl at the thought of disappointing Essek. You had bad enough of a sinking feeling in your stomach without the added stress of being tardy.

Eventually, you did arrive at Essek’s doorstep. Panting, yes, and sweating. You ran for your life, after all.

Of course, it wasn’t Essek himself that opened the door for you, he was a fancy drow who had advanced magic he absolutely _had_ to show off every chance he got. It was the unspoken law of all wizards to be insufferable show-offs. You had much to learn.

You entered the house. It was large, it was very Essek, which is to say that it was tastefully and expensively furnished yet lacked a lot of that homey and personal touch that most well lived-in homes tended to have.

Essek’s voice sounded from the gallery above, imploring you to wait just a second, before you heard the admittedly quite unfamiliar sound of Essek actually walking down the stairs with light footfalls. Because of course he was not only a fancy magical prodigy, but also extremely elegant. Curse him.

“I am sorry for being late, Essek, when the others found out I was going to your place, I couldn’t exactly escape the questions.” What you said was the truth, of course, you only failed to mention the part where your entirely too obvious anxiety about the lesson gave you away in the first place.

“That is entirely fine, I half-expected it, to be quite honest with you.” If he wasn’t smiling ever so slightly at you, you would’ve felt pretty hurt by that. “Now, follow me upstairs to my library and study.”

And follow him you did.

He led you up the stairs and past numerous doors, entirely too many for the house of a man living alone. Not that you noticed in the moment because the feeling of following behind Essek, who was, I repeat, _walking on his own feet_ was still heavily occupying your mind.

You didn’t exactly register how long you had been walking, which is to say, it wasn’t very long. When Essek, who had been silent the entire walk (not like you initiated any conversation either), stopped at door entirely identical to the others, you had to take care not to bump into the drow. He went ahead first, holding the door open for you in the process.

Now, to say that you expected something different from the library, was an understatement. It was gorgeous, yes, it was absolutely cozy and inviting for the hungry mind. Knick knacks were sprawled about, one apparatus next to another, books towered high, hell, there was some paper on the floor. It was cluttered, much more than your own room had been back home.

To be honest, this seemed very unlike Essek to you.

Perhaps said drow had noticed your confusion or maybe he was acutely aware of his own mess, no matter which one it was, he turned to you apologetically.

“I must apologize for the mess in here, I had a very long night yesterday and did not have time to clean up.” If he had noticed your sweaty state, he did not comment on it. He started clearing out a table and removed something that looked suspiciously like a fluffy wool cardigan from a chair.

“That’s fine, Essek, I am used to messes. I was never one to keep my study overly tidy, so I feel very at home here.” Okay, maybe that last line was a bit too much and too big a statement for this kind of situation.

“I am glad then.” His gaze turned to the cardigan for a moment before turning to you again. “Please take a seat and tell me about your spellcasting abilities.”

You do as you were told. It is a strange feeling to sit at a desk while someone is there to lecture you.

“Well, currently I am able to cast up to 6th level spells. Though I find that I lack…” You stop for a moment, glancing up at Essek to see him nod “I lack direction, I’d say. I don’t really “belong” to a specific school of magic.”

This caught Essek’s attention, as it seems. He was looking at you with a puzzled expression. It was rare for a wizard that advanced to not choose a magical area of expertise. Most do so quite early in their journey. His stare makes that nervous feeling return.

“Might I ask why that is?” Essek’s accented voice sounds, forcing you to push back the discomfort his bright gaze brings.

“Well, I know it is quite common for wizards to choose a school of magic they enjoy. Caleb specializes in transmutation, as you know. I, however, never could find myself able to… choose.” You try really hard to look into Essek’s eyes as they try to figure you out before you can finish your explanation.

“The truth is, I am entirely self-taught. I never went to any prestigious school that would push me to come to a decision and it’s not like my parents knew what I was doing either. I could never decide what path I wanted to tread because I love them all.” You do end up breaking eye contact in favor of looking at the hem of your shirt. Much more interesting.

“Well.” Essek hums, a very pleasant sound. “I must ask you. What exactly do you hope I could help you achieve?” You think for a moment.

“I would like for you to give me an introduction to dunamancy. I do not know much about it, but I feel like I may come to find a solution to my directionless wandering within the arcane.” You confess and when you do look up, there is that slight quirk in Essek’s brow again and the slightest smile cracks his porcelain face. He is amused. That’s actually a good sign, isn’t it?

“You certainly have the drive for it.” Essek clears his throat. “Then let us begin, shall we?”

He lets out a small laugh at your eager expression.

“While I’m sure you have a general idea of it, dunamancy is the art of controlling Dunamis. Dunamis is the primal magical energy of potentiality and actuality, an anticipatory arcane force that shapes the multiverse and might very well be what holds its elements together in the first place. It weaves its way through our worlds like an infinite, unseen web…”

_2._

Okay, so turns out Essek was actually an excellent teacher and it made you genuinely wonder why he didn’t choose to become a full-time teacher instead before you remembered that this was Essek you were talking about.

Yesterday’s session was cut off around 2 hours in by official Shadowhand business or whatever, much to your dismay because you were getting warmed up and ready to absorb more. Essek’s very smooth voice maybe helped in keeping your attention focused on the words spilling from his lips, but it was mainly his passion in dunamancy that kept you engaged.

Essek didn’t send you off without a bit of introductory reading and the promise to see you again the next day.

As soon as you had arrived at the Xhorhaus, Jester pounced on you and bombarded you with questions, mainly about Essek’s living arrangements and what you guys were doing all alone. You indulged her curiosity, while still being respectful of Essek’s privacy. Consent, folks.

Caleb had even asked you about the lessons, the wizard knew of your troubles choosing and seemed genuinely happy about you learning something entirely new in his very Caleb way.

You spent the rest of the day and night reading through the book Essek had given you, acutely aware of the fact that this was _Essek’s handwriting_ you were reading.

You had finished Essek’s book by morning. Only allowing yourself a bit of sleep until the ruckus of everyone that had a decent sleeping schedule waking up made you rise too. You weren’t happy about it, but you didn’t particularly mind either.

You decided to spend most of your morning giving Caleb a brief explanation of what you’ve learned, partly so you’d be able to repeat it back to Essek, should he ask. Caleb seemed content with the company of like-minded wizard friends anyways, so it was a win-win in your book.

When it was time to leave for the lesson once more, this time around punctually, you ignored Jester’s eyebrow-wiggle with growing expertise and made your way over to Essek’s home at a leisurely pace.

You found that your walk energized you enough to take on whatever Essek would throw at you for the day. Secretly you were hoping for some actual spellcasting today, but even the theoretics of dunamancy fascinated you to bits and Essek had quite the part in that.

Still, you felt nervous. Essek didn’t exactly become any less imposing as a person, he commanded respect all the same. Though secretly, you found yourself hoping that he might loosen up a little as you got to know each other more.

Knocking just like last time, the door opened, just like last time, and Essek’s voice sounded, like last time, from above once more. The foyer and living room area you passed by as you made your way to the staircase looked suspiciously… undisturbed. Essek might be a neat freak after all, making the disarray his study was in last time all the more worrying.

You made your way up the staircase, where Essek was waiting patiently for you. This time, you didn’t trail behind though, you walked next to Essek at a leisurely pace. What had only fleetingly caught your attention last time pushed itself into your conscience once again. There was an awful lot of space for a single pringle like Essek.

“Say Essek.” You started, regretting your nosy question instantly. “What’s up with all this space? You do live alone, right?”

He looked quite surprised you had spoken to him; it was strange seeing him so caught off guard.

“Oh, well, most of these rooms are guest rooms in case any family decides to stay the night during a visit.” He explains, eyes more in focus now. You couldn’t help but feel slightly bad to have surprised him like that.

“Drow families are lively, then?” Unlike yours, a detail kept hidden.

“You could say that. They are always quite big, though their intimacy as a ‘family’ tends to vary quite a lot. Not unlike other races.” He mused. There was a bit of annoyance in his tone, and while you feared that it was directed at you, the moment his eyes snapped back to you, you could tell it was likely a memory of his family.

You didn’t bring up family again.

Surprisingly, the state of the library hadn’t improved much. The same cardigan now folded on the table. Essek removed the books to clear out space for you just like he had done the day prior. And just like the day prior, you took your seat.

This was ridiculously easy to get used to.

With great care you took Essek’s handwritten book from your bag, thankful that none of your ink had spilled while you were walking.

(Yes, this had happened before. No, you did not want to talk about it.)

You held out the book to Essek, to which he quirked a brow. Not in amusement, this time at least. It was inquisitive instead.

“You’re, ah, finished already?” He had said, surprised. Had he underestimated you that much?

“Well, yes.” You blinked. “You’re quite the teacher, Essek, so the book wasn’t too big of a challenge. I already found myself having a good grasp on the subject.”

Essek averted his eyes, coughing slightly as he turned his head away. Oh, how the turn tables.

“You have quite a way with words, Essek, and nice handwriting too. Have you thought of publishing?” You decided to push him a bit farther, with much success.

“Ah, well. I haven’t at all, I must… thank you for your kind words nonetheless.” He was flustered, by all means, however, he was flustered in a very Essek way. The diplomatic side of him wasn’t so easily taken apart. He took the book from your hands and placed it on one of the numerous work tables.

“Let us start with the lesson, then?” His voice was very quiet, even for Essek, who wasn’t a very loud man. You could only nod with a slight smile, notebook and spellbook ready.

To your utter delight, the lesson for that day did not just go on for longer, you were also able to transcribe some dunamancy spells into your spellbook.

As you transcribed, Essek turned to his own readings, writing, and transcribing himself. It was a calm atmosphere in the library with the dancing lights you both had put up close to you. The warm glow was a godsent. Mostly because you could catch a few glimpses at Essek illuminated by that soft light.

Essek was handsome all the time, no denying that, but the warmth suited him in an odd way. Odd, in the sense that most would probably describe the drow as cold, as someone foreign to warmth and comfort. In that moment, though, you could not imagine Essek in any other light.

Maybe you were in too deep with that man.

Maybe you were, but right then and there, you could hardly imagine a prettier sight than Essek nestled engrossed in his work, in completely in his element, with the lights dancing around.

Yeah, “in too deep” was perhaps underestimating it all.

It had been several hours when your stomach called you back into the land outside of books and crushes. And apparently, Essek noticed you snap out of your concentration and the late hour, too.

You went home that day, wondering when the nervous pit in your stomach at the thought of being alone with Essek had changed into butterflies.

Well, maybe you knew the answer to that one.

_3._

All of the Nein had noticed your difference in attitude, it’s not like it was hard to spot. Most were too polite to pry, as usual, though they surely formed their own versions of what had come to pass the day before. Jester, worrying you with her insane amount of eyebrow wiggling, could not be tamed that very morning.

It took your wizard friend Caleb, the saint that he was, to engage with you in a magical discussion, to get Jester to back off and reorient her attention to whatever she was cooking up in her sketchbook.

However, even Caleb had that mischievous glint in his eyes that looked really good on him because it meant that he was finally allowing himself to let loose a bit. Even if that was at your indirect expense.

Hey, as long as your friends got a kick out of your situation, all was good. Those bastards.

It was Caduceus that approached you that day before you set off again. The firbolg was the one person aside from Caleb that you probably got along the best with. He was tall, he was kind, he made tea from dead people. What more could you want in a pal

Cad had his easy-going, slightly airheaded smile on his lips, held out a carefully wrapped package for you. His smile widened a bit as he watched you look up at him with wide eyes. This man? An angel. You could cry.

“I made you some snacks to share with Essek. You two work mighty hard, and I feel you might appreciate the nourishment. Oh,” He dropped the package into your awaiting hands, disappeared into the kitchen and returned with a flask, “this is tea. It goes well with the treats.”

“I love you.” You say and Cad puts his big hand on your head to ruffle your hair. Blessed.

And with those provisions, you once again made your way to Essek’s abode, a slight skip in your step. You felt like you’ve made heaps of progress already and you thought that maybe, just maybe, Essek was enjoying your company at least a bit as well.

The way to Essek’s home was already a familiar one, you were slightly late due to Caduceus stopping you at the door, but you found yourself less anxious about it now that you knew Essek wasn’t actually as strict a teacher as he probably wanted people to think. He was used to drifting around everywhere to keep up appearances, after all.

The familiar doorstep came into view soon thereafter. And with it, the familiar sensation of anticipation, both out of curious inclination towards wizardry and love for your friend. Today was going to be a good day, you could tell.

You just hoped those pesky butterflies would leave you alone soon.

Spoiler alert! They did not.

When the door magically opened for you after you had knocked, you were met with a sight you weren’t quite sure what to make of. It wasn’t… bad, just strange, and foreign and unaligned with that routine you were utterly prepared to follow for the rest of your days.

Essek was hurrying out of the kitchen with those same elegant and light steps (he might as well be floating without even trying). What struck you, however, was the serving tray he held in his hands, full of all sorts of treats.

So, you, with your own package of treats and your flask, stopped in your tracks as you engaged in a staring contest with the Shadowhand himself, a situation that sounds entirely made up, yet here you were.

A blink.

And another.

And before you knew it, you let out a hearty laugh as even Essek couldn’t help but chuckle.

“I didn’t know you were going to bake for me, Essek.” You remarked, after you had managed to calm down.

“I didn’t, I went to a bakery today and picked these out.” He averted his eyes once more and you swore you saw the tips of his ears darken a bit. “I must sincerely apologize; I entirely neglected my duty as a host to feed my guest. I wanted to make it up to you.”

“Essek…” You made sure to sound as fond as possible. “No need to apologize. I think neither of us thought we’d work this long into the night. All is good.”

“I actually brought some treats too. I think Caduceus noticed that I came back to the Xhorhaus hungry, so he fixed us a few treats and some tea.” You smiled brightly, the butterflies in your stomach did not want to calm down at all. “Shall we head upstairs, then?”

“As you wish.” You swore there was the beginnings of a fond smile tugging at the corners of his lips just then.

When you did arrive at the library, it was once again unchanged, if not, it was slightly messier. Essek’s books from last night were still there, as were the dancing light globules.

You set down the package of treats after Essek had placed the tray down on the table you two had shared. You started carefully unwrapping the bundle while Essek went to get two cups. Almost making it a labor of love, you gingerly placed Caduceus’ concoctions among Essek’s store-bought treats. And when Essek returned, you poured both of you a cup of tea and went to your designated spot in that chair.

Essek explained rather quickly to you that he would lend you his spell book to leaf through, allowing you to inquire as you saw fit. The drow had understood quite quickly that you learned best when left to your own devices yet made it very clear that you could interrupt him whenever you wanted.

It was endearing and you felt taken care of by such a small act of understanding.

Essek was a good teacher, yes, but he was showing himself to be not only willing, but also quite capable of being an even better friend.

Now, Essek’s spellbook was a sight to behold. You found great fascination in the individuality of each spellcaster’s tome. So far you had only seen Caleb’s and your own, but now you could add Essek’s to your list. Essek’s spellbook was orderly, neat, and most importantly, _illustrated_.

Neither you nor Caleb had ever thought to decorate your spellbooks to this extent, it was quite fascinating to see. An utterly abstract school of magic like dunamancy didn’t strike you as something one could concisely describe visually, yet here the proof of it laid there on the desk before you. To say that it intrigued you was a gross understatement.

You heard Essek clear his throat, having noticed your intense studying of the complimentary graphics and illustrations before you. Color rushed to your face, you could feel the heat, upon being caught.

“Essek, I am impressed with your diligence.” You said earnestly, albeit red faced. And at your words (or maybe the sincerity in your voice) Essek looked quite flushed himself.

 _‘Cute…’_ You couldn’t help but think.

“I-, ah, um, thank you. I don’t… usually show my spellbook to others.” Your gaze wandered to meet his, yet you found him looking at his hands instead.

“You don’t? I can understand why you wouldn’t, it’s not like I show mine around.” You fiddle with your fingers. “Um, Caleb. He’s the only one I’ve ever shown mine to.”

“Well…” Essek takes a pause, contemplating. “I’ve never shown mine to anyone else before.”

_Oh._

Oh, well. That…

That wasn’t very good for your fragile heart.

“Essek, I’m happy you trust me like this.” That man was 120 years old and you were the first to see his spellbook. “Would you like to see mine? Make it an equivalent exchange?”

Perhaps your suggestion had caught him off-guard, surprised him. Because those silvery blue eyes met yours suddenly, a distant yet hopeful glint in them.

When had he become so precious?

You handed him your spellbook without saying anything else and he took it. The drow took his time admiring the feel of the heavy tome, your own embellishments on the battle-worn exterior. Then he opened it and you couldn’t help but watch to gauge his reaction. He handled your work with care and a gaze that conveyed both respect of your intellectual and physical property as well as something akin to glee at the thought of sharing this intimate moment between two lovers of the arcane.

“Your work is very intricate, thorough.” He let his fingers run across the page, eyes still drinking in your messy annotations, descriptions, and other walls of text. It made your heart beat even faster, the thought of Essek genuinely cherishing your passion, as directionless as it may be.

“Thank you, Essek.” And you meant it. You hoped your smile didn’t fail to support your words. He managed a small smile in return, still somewhat flustered, as he handed you your book back.

You resumed your work in peace with warmth in your heart, and it wasn’t just from the tea.

_4._

You were pretty sure that your friends were starting to grow… concerned. You were frighteningly eager to get out of the house and they knew it wasn’t just because dunamancy was this fascinating to you. The Nein had of course caught on to your crush. Not that you were very subtle about it in the first place.

They had noticed the quite obvious heart-eyes you had been shooting at Essek ever since he had become their steward during their time in the Dynasty.

Not that Essek or you ever noticed, they were sure. Maybe it was a wizard thing.

They worried a bit, your friends, mainly because they couldn’t tell if Essek was just as infatuated as you were. That didn’t stop them from being supportive of you, of course. Fjord and Cad looked at you with mirth, amused at your subtle changes in behavior, mainly that spring that refused to leave your step. Yasha, Beau and Nott had offered to kick Essek’s ass for you, should he hurt you. Jester was pretty much over the moon, feeding you with very… interesting ideas about how you should woo Essek.

You didn’t necessarily want to know more details on the sources she tried to cite to you for further reading.

Caleb was Caleb. Subtle, supportive, just right. Caleb, who had spent the most time alone with Essek aside from you, had noticed the way the drow wizard’s interest seemed to be piqued whenever he had brought you up in conversation. So, Caleb figured he at least enjoyed your company. Your cat-loving friend didn’t tell you so, of course. This was both yours and Essek’s mess to figure out.

He couldn’t help but feel a twinge of worry, he didn’t fully trust Essek and maybe rightfully so. Then again, Essek really seemed to like not only you, but also the rest of the Nein. Maybe things would be okay.

Cad had once again made you a snack package, seeing as you and Essek cleared the previous package out completely, and you were eternally grateful for your tall friend.

You really had the best friends.

Essek had awaited you again, this time he hadn’t bought treats as you had assured him, you’d either get some from the store along the way or would get Caduceus to pack you something again.

Today, Essek opted to lecture you a bit more, telling you more about causality, more about Dunamis and gave you a brief overview of some offensive dunamancy spells, as opposed to the more common utility-based spells this school of magic had to offer.

You were ecstatic to transcribe more spells and try them out next you and the Nein would go on an adventure. They would prove to be useful, you made sure to express that to your floaty friend.

He rewarded you with that subtly fond expression he reserved for his friends. It made you feel all tingly and it was nice. No shame in that.

Around an hour into that day’s session, you had begun to transcribe once more. It had been a while since your spellbook got this much content added to it in such a short amount of time.

Essek was working on some Shadowhand business. You could tell because the comfortable look wasn’t present on his face that day. He had a deep furrow in his brow, looked aggravated, irritated, and generally tired. It was hard watching him upset as he, diligent as ever, wrote reply after reply to official Dynasty letters, altered documents, wrote reports to the Bright Queen, and whatever other business the Shadowhand had to fulfill.

So, you spoke.

“Essek.” You caught his attention, and his expression eased a bit. “I wanted to ask you something. What do you like so much about dunamancy?”

“Why, are you having doubts about learning it?” Essek asked, the exhaustion was audible in his voice, yet he did not sound bored. There was a hint of relief.

“Not at all. I am having an absolute blast here with you. But! I am just curious as to what made you want to specialize in dunamancy.” You held your cup of tea in both of your hands, relishing in its warmth. “You know, since I have trouble choosing myself.”

“Ah.” Essek took a moment to think. “Aside from it being fascinating to research, I have found that it bears the most… potential. I like control, I like having insight. I guess these are my main reasons for devoting my life to dunamancy.” His eyes found yours.

 _He had grown more used to you_ , you thought.

“What about you though? What do you wish to do with dunamancy?” He asked. Silvery blue might just become your favorite color if his eyes kept looking that pretty.

“I don’t really know what it is about dunamancy. You are right that there is potential.” You concentrate on your cup to calm your thoughts. “I have never mastered anything, have always been a jack of all trades. I want to know things, full stop. But with magic itself… I’ve found myself wanting to spin something out of nothing.”

You laughed awkwardly, wanting to stop, but Essek’s genuinely interested expression forced you to continue.

“I don’t think I need magic for that, though. Others helped me do that in a way I hadn’t considered before. I made connections where there were none before. With the Nein and now, with you. Isn’t that exciting?” You look up again, meeting Essek’s bright gaze.

Unsurprisingly, Essek looked quite shocked.

“Pardon, ah. We are friends?” It was excitement in his voice, even if he suppressed it.

“We aren’t if you don’t want to be. Though I have to say that I quite like it, wouldn’t you agree?” You smiled; the butterflies were raging again.

“I like that too.” Essek smiled too. A darker purple hue adorned his cheeks and the tips of his ears ever so slightly. “I think I really do.”

You made a mental note to give him a hug at some point.

_5._

You set out on your daily journey as always. Caduceus had given you another bundle of treats and your bag was heavy with ink, your spellbook and spell components. Yesterday’s tender moment had energized you. The thought of the usually distant Essek opening up to you (and by extension the other Nein) made your heart swell.

So of course, you were cheerful as you walked down the streets of Rosohna. Maybe you looked just a bit insane, but that was okay. You had a friend and crush to see, goddammit.

Your mood, however, did dampened a bit when you saw Essek leave his house. His back was turned to you, but from what you could see, he was magically locking his home. He was obviously leaving for the day.

“Essek!” You called out.

“Ah, I am sorry, I was about to go and notify you. I am afraid I won’t be able to study with you today. My duties as the Shadowhand have regrettably taken priority, I hope you understand.” He looked a bit sad as he watched your crestfallen expression.

“That’s okay, Essek. I doubt you’ll be free tomorrow either, then.” You mustered up a smile.

“Sadly, I won’t. I will make sure to tell you when I am ready to see you again.” Essek smiled, strained, and tired.

“Please do.” You perked up a bit as you remembered the provisions you had brought. “Oh, I want you to take these with you. I have a feeling you’ll be having a few very long days ahead.”

Essek took the package, he was floating again, so the height difference between you two was different and strangely foreign to you now.

“Thank you.” He smiled softly. “Make sure to tell Caduceus my thanks as well.”

You promised him and parted ways.

To say that the Nein were surprised to see you back so soon was a gross understatement. Especially Jester had feared that her ship had sunk. Whatever that meant.

You explained rather quickly that Essek had some official fancy pants Shadowhand business to attend to, and every single one of the Nein could tell that you were slightly disappointed.

It was true! You were sad, but you also understood. You had taken up quite a bit of Essek’s time, he was allowed to spend time apart from you.

Now just had to make sure you were prepared with interesting new knowledge and lore once you did see him again.

Turns out, that day would come later, rather than sooner.

It had been a week without word from Essek when you decided you were worried about the amount of work your friend had to put up with. The only logical step would be that you would help Essek, indirectly.

“Caduceus, can you help me with making a few treats?” You had asked your big, tall fluffy friend.

“Ah.” He stared at you for a second. “It’s for Essek, isn’t it?”

“Maybe.”

“Oh, gotcha.”

So, you spent the afternoon baking with Caduceus. It was lighthearted. It was fun. It was food for your soul (and Essek).

Once you were done, Cad helped you craft a small basket for packaging. The next day, you’d drop the treats off at Essek’s doorstep.

At night, you wrote a simple letter to Essek. You stated simple things in it. How you were doing, recent M9 shenanigans, expressing your hope that he was doing okay. All that fun stuff, lighthearted and an easy read.

And the next day you went with Jester, who wanted to see where Essek lived, to drop off the little care package you had made for Essek. Setting it down carefully in front of his front door, you knocked on the door and left, hearing the door open and feeling eyes burning into your back.

Essek didn’t send signs of his life for another two days. You had begged Jester not to, but she insisted on sending Essek a message.

Nothing could stop the blue whirlwind when she had picked up speed.

“Hey Essek, it’s me! We are all worried about you, please tell us you’re okay. Someone misses you~ Invite them!”

You wanted to die just about then.

The reply didn’t take too long. Essek had replied almost immediately. And Jester’s smile put you on edge.

“He says you can come by tomorrow! And he said he hopes you’re well!! AND he said he’s looking forward to it!!”

Maybe you were feeling a bit too warm right then.

Essek had taught you a feeling you weren’t sure you had experienced quite like this before.

_+1_

Having been part of the Mighty Nein for quite some time now, you were used to a fair bit of unforeseen problems disturbing your every move, so it comes to no surprise that actually arriving _early_ was enough to utterly confuse you.

Like, what?

Being on time was fine and the absolute best-case scenario. But being early? Unprecedented.

That being said, you carried on as normal. Maybe Essek was ready for you already. Couldn’t hurt to announce your presence, now, could it?

You knocked, the door opened, yet no drow wizard greeted you at the door, nor did you hear a voice calling to you from the top of the staircase. Curious, you ventured into the home. It didn’t take you long to reach the library.

What you saw, however, terrified you for a split second.

You had never seen this part of the house in perfect shape. It was always messy, always cluttered, yet homey and cozy. This? This went beyond an innocent mess, it was chaos. Books laid on the floor carelessly, probably having fallen from a table, empty ink bottles were on the floor, as well as papers strewn about.

On the desk, you saw Essek slumped on the chair, head resting on whatever book he had been reading. You feared he was passed out, but upon closer inspection you confirmed that this Essek Thelyss was _half asleep_.

He was wearing that fluffy cardigan you had eyed sneakily a few times before, but you could never imagine Essek actually wearing it. Not to mention wearing it while he was fading in and out of consciousness.

Oh dear, that last week and a half must have been horrible to him.

Carefully, you approached. You were fairly quiet, no Nott, but quiet.

“Essek…” You called out his name in a low voice. He didn’t budge and the dark circles under his eyes gave you a good idea as to why that might be. Maybe you should let him rest for a bit more.

You might as well make yourself useful in the meantime.

So, you started cleaning up the place. Picking up empty ink bottles, snapped quills and the loose books and papers, you stowed them away accordingly. Empty ink bottles were still useful, you didn’t know if Essek dabbled in potion-making every once in a while, so you took the basket you had made for the treats and tucked the bottles away neatly. There wasn’t much you could do with the snapped quills, so you disposed of them.

While you were busy, you were trying your best to stay quiet so Essek could rest for a while longer. As you picked up the books, you stacked them upon one another, not daring to potentially disturb the order Essek had on his shelves. It took you around 30 minutes to bring relative order back to Essek’s home library. And now you would try to wake the drow.

Here we go. You called his name a few times, increasing in volume. But from what you could see, Essek was dreaming deeply, in true elven fashion.

Elven dreams were often unpleasant. Especially for drow they often contained parts of previous lives. Traumatic or happy, they were sure to be unwelcome.

You decided to touch Essek’s shoulder, caressing it softly while you said his name again. He shouldn’t sleep in this position; his back would ache. Eventually, his eyes did crack open. Silvery blue looked disoriented and confused. And that confusion did not fade the more the disorientation waned.

It did not take Essek too long to realize his situation, though. He sat up straight almost immediately, eyes wide as they watched you, trying to figure out why you were standing in his house.

“The door opened when I knocked.” You tried to explain, and he seemed to have remembered.

“I am, ah, um…sorry for falling asleep like that.” Essek’s voice was still a bit gruff from waking up.

“All is forgiven, Essek, no need to worry.” You didn’t quite know where you were headed with your words, but you knew you wanted to help you friend and crush out. “I take it you had a hell of a week?”

Essek let out a humorless chuckle. That good, huh.

“You could say that.” He massaged his temples at the thought. “If you don’t mind, some quiet work would be preferred for today. You can, of course, ask me whatever you please.”

“I have a better idea.” You held eye contact with him. “Let’s take a break for today.”

“A break?”

“Yes, a break. Let’s get comfortable. I brought treats and you get to decide what we do as long as it’s not work-related.” Essek began to think. He was thinking a lot for a fairly straightforward question.

This… likely wasn’t a good sign.

“Essek, when was the last time you took a break?” You were almost afraid of the answer.

“I can’t seem to recall…” He averted his gaze. Good for him, because you weren’t surprised, just disappointed.

“Okay, um. How about we talk a bit and maybe read some simple novels? I can go and get my favorites from the Xhorhaus real quick.” You stopped to think. “Or do you want me to leave you alone for today?”

Great, now you were doubting yourself.

“Ah, no, please.” Essek panicked a bit. “I think I would enjoy some company for the day.”

...Great, now you were flustered.

You walked with Essek down to the living room. It had a cozy fireplace and you’ve been dreaming about curling up next to a fireplace with someone whose company you enjoyed. Essek was a perfect, overworked target for that.

Telling Essek to sit down on the couch, you made your way back to the Xhorhaus as fast as possible, sprinted up to your room, grabbed all essentials for a cozy day inside and left, ignoring the confused stares of those that were home. When you returned, you found Essek sitting very stiffly, back straight, waiting patiently.

No, this couldn’t do.

“Essek, you’re horrible at relaxing.”

“I wasn’t aware that I was going to be graded on this.” Essek looked amused again, good… good.

“Well, if you were, you’d do horrible.” You tried not to laugh at his attempts at humor, which wasn’t horrible at all. “But I can help you, just like you helped me. Deal?”

“Deal.” He had relaxed a bit at the banter and his posture reflected that. It was a good start, but not optimal for supreme burnout combating.

“First,” You set down all novels you brought on the coffee table. “we need to establish what your needs are.”

Essek was turned towards you, listening intently. He was taking this seriously. Good.

“Do you want me to stay silent?” You watched as Essek thought.

“No, I enjoy your input.” You smiled at that. The butterflies better settle... or else.

“Do you want physical touch?” This may have caught Essek a bit too off-guard. His stare went blank as he considered your words.

“Essek, would you like to try and then decide?” Okay, now you were getting a bit flustered too. This was what friends did, right? Caduceus hugged you all the time, you and Caleb would walk to get ink and paper with your arms linked all the time, and Jester was affectionate beyond belief anyways. You were used to physical touch but Essek seemed more apprehensive.

Oh gods, was Essek touch-starved?

You held out your hand for him to take, which he eyed with mixed emotions. Slowly but surely, he extended his hand tensely and grasped your hand. Upon contact, he visibly relaxed. With your thumb, you caressed his hand soothingly. You inched closer to him when you saw that he was comfortable, ignoring the color on both your and Essek’s cheeks masterfully.

Essek watched as you let go of his hand and a twinge of disappointment spread in his chest. However, you soon opened your arms for him, and he hesitated.

Now or never.

He moved closer still and you enclosed your arms around him in a sweet embrace. Essek shuddered a bit at the foreign sensation but soon put his own arms around your form as well.

It was a warm sensation. Essek, he was warm.

It was as you had thought before. Essek and warmth belonged together, you could barely separate the two and neither could he, even if he tried. It was a part of him, sensitive and longing for the warmth of another person, longing to have a friend that understood.

And understand you did.

You understood his needs, right then and there. His desire to just exist naturally, without having to live up to expectations. He didn’t have to be the magical prodigy, part of Den Thelyss and Shadowhand in your presence. He just had to be Essek and that was enough. You started to rub circles into his back, rhythmic and comforting. Warm and homely.

He felt the need to cry, he hadn’t felt this safe in a long while.

“Do you want to talk about it?” You kept your voice low, as not to startle him. You couldn’t see his face but had a feeling he was deep in thought.

And talk, he did. He didn’t tell you everything that weighed in on his mind, he had told you so himself. There were simply matters that couldn’t see the light of day, preferably ever. You told him you understood and wouldn’t pry, but deep down you held hope that he would tell you one day.

He did tell you of his worries, however, the expectations, his disdain for his position, how he wished he could be smaller, how he wished he could stop floating forever, sick of those gimmicky uses of magic. How he wished he could speak freely and just be.

“You can,” You told him. “at least with me and the other Nein. We have already accepted you; it is only up to you know to accept us in return.” You did feel anger at society then. Essek was comparably young for an elf. He deserved to be young as well, to have friends, to do as he pleases, to decide who to be slowly. He had to take care of himself in order to grow.

Essek buried his head in your shoulder and you could feel him shake his head. You suppressed a sigh.

“Essek.” You pulled away so you could look into his eyes. “I care about you so much. You are very dear to me. I want you to know that. I would never lie to you.” Essek averted his gaze. You knew he was hiding something, but you were ready to accept that. You didn’t need to know right away, though you had your suspicions.

You cupped his cheek with your hand, and he melted further into your touch as he closed his eyes in comfort.

You heart was… so full.

Feeling bold, you leaned forward, pressing a kiss to his forehead, then both of his cheeks, just below his white lashes, and lastly, his nose. You didn’t know drow could turn this shade of purple.

“If you would allow me into your heart, I’d be content. We can take this slow.” Essek turned his head to place a kiss in the palm of your hand and you couldn’t help but pull him in closer.

“Essek, what matters to me is you, not the state of you. Just you. We’ll be okay, with time.”

And it was then that Essek knew that this was good.

He could be good.

**Author's Note:**

> *Reader entering the Xhorhaus*  
> M9: You're back early.  
> Reader: Essek has burnout.  
> M9: What.  
> Reader: *grabbing books and leaving again* Essek has burnout.
> 
> Thank you for reading :)


End file.
